Ahhh......Paris

I didn't know I was dry in my brain. I thought I still had miles to go. Miles of care, therapy, and structure to offer my people. But Jodi asked me last minute to join her at her house in Idaho for a little R&R with my girls. I can get Ladybug out of school! We can go! The younger two can feel like they have a summer that is not just Ladybug therapy. 

Ooops.   Ladybug cannot go.  Do I stay home?  I HATE to have a vacation without her.  But I decide that her behavior cannot punish the rest of us.  Three girls join six other girls to fill the small house in Paris with giggles, nail polish, and fun.  

Life slowed down enough for me to hear my brain.  Without thinking of how to therapy each moment, my mental and emotional joints loosened and I laughed... really laughed.  

Volleyball.  Darling if you Love me... Smile.... Bear Lake.   Round and round on the merry go round.  Morning and Evening Walks.  Crafts.  Movies.  Night Terrors.   Late night talk therapy.  Sunburns.  Mosquitoes.  Ice Cream.  Montpelier Library.  Good Times.  The best of times.  Summer memories

Princess Festival

Hundreds of miniature princesses self consciously trotted through the gates with their mommies in tow into a magical land.  College aged princes and princesses swarmed the garden.  As each passed, they looked at each small one.  "Good day princess Sunshine"  they said as they doffed their hats or curtsied.  "Every girl is a princess even if they don't know it.  Huh Mom. "

The prince from Snow White invited us to watch as they enacted their adventure.  Sunshine watched open mouthed as Snow White teaches her step mother that beauty is more than mirror deep.

We move on to meet other princesses, other adventures.  Sunshine writes letters to servicemen as Princesses are appreciative.

She ties quilts for orphans in Hati because princesses take care of others.  She makes hair bows for children in foster care.

Cinderella asked if any of the little princesses in attendance could teach her how to tidy up so she could go to the ball.  Sunshine answered stong int he affirmative.  When the stepmother asked if she knew who the beautiful maiden was that the prince was dancing with, she told her and mentioned that she should not be so rude.

The $30 entrance fee went fully into water and wells for Africa.  My princess was enchanted.

gratitude

Only 12 fishes and 5 loaves of bread for hundreds.

Lack.

A dead friend, grieving women at the tomb of Lazarus.

Sorrow.

A last supper portion of bread and wine as a final good-bye strength for those you love.

Farewell.

Thorns to tear the delicate flesh of the face and neck, thick nails to crush and sear, weight, too heavy to bear.

Pain.

All preceded by thanksgiving.  Not after, when all turned out well, but before when all looked darkest.  

Jesus gave thanks ... and then. 

Gratitude precedes the miracle - salvation.

My camera was the lens to record God's gifts, great and small.  My keyboard became the pen to offer thanks for my days.  But the inner lens became clouded, unable to take in light.  "When your eye is clear, your whole body is filled with light."  The beautiful world that still existed went unseen, unappreciated.  

Therefore, the list of 1000 gifts. 

4.  Sun warming my shoulders.

10.  White capped mountains against a blue sky.

20.  Diamond drops of life causing laughter.

24.  Broadway on the lawn.

28.  Chalk that fills a concrete square.

My camera and fingers will open the lens again and like Adam, I will name.  And in naming my blessings, I create. 

You are Not Alone

Our home is full of hurt people right now.  It's all just part of living in a fallen and wicked world.

The pain is palpable.  I see shame and self loathing on one little face as she hides behind the sofa.  I see her seek for reassurance that she is still worthy and loved as she asks to play the game she gave up years ago, the one where I shop at a baby store till I find just the right one at the end and take her home. 
I hear it in anothers voice as they ask, "Is heaven full of nice people?  I don't think I'll be going there. Heavenly Father isn't helping me right now.  I keep asking to be nicer to my mom but he's not helping me."

I see it in my other one as she bravely tries so hard to be and seem perfect... so afraid to make a mistake to add to the burden of the household that she cannot bring herself to admit any wrong doing.  

I see it in the glazed eyes of a loving caretaker and breadwinner who escapes to fantasy or tennis at night to escape the pain of wanting above all to protect and care for his family.  How could an enemy have crept in and sabotaged his best efforts?  How can he fight and protect against the shadows that have struck?   

I feel it in my heart as I woodenly move through the day, facing a glass mountain on which progress seems improbable, crying for loss of innocence,and the pain of impotence.

No doubt about it.  Things are tough. Sickeningly, achingly tough. 

A few miles away, Jodi is praying, "Father Help my friend!  Help her family!  Can't you send something?  Can't you send someone?"  In silence, her heart hears the answer, "I've sent them my Son."

A quick trip to Seagull Book Store, a ribbon to symbolize the gift, and a note on the back.  She knocked on our door.

"This is a moveable picture.  Right now move it everywhere you go - from room to room so you will always remember you are NOT ALONE!  I've brought a small one for each of your girls.  Are they still up?"

I had been  in the process of the nightly snuggle down and all were waiting in their beds.  

We sit on the edge of each bed.   Jodi tearfully delivers a personalized message about her friend, also known as the healer.  She tells Sunshine how he loves her freckles, her blue eyes and her fastness.  (Her new shoes make her run even faster).  She testifies to Ladybug about his power to forgive and erase.  She shares with Little Mother his willingness to accept imperfection and heal our family. 

I find myself leaning toward the picture arms outstretched just a bit, hoping, longing for a hug.

She tearfully turns to hug me as she exits.  "I didn't know what to give you.  I didn't know what to bring, so I just brought him." 

Well his company has been most welcome.  My throat has eased it's constriction, my stomach has unclenched, and each little girl went to sleep looking at their older wiser stronger older brother who has the power to see us all through this storm.  Thank you Jodi for inviting such a wonderful friend to give counsel and comfort when you could not.

Slimy yet Satisfying

Before bed I've got to wipe off 1/2 of the container of Bath and Body Cotton Blossom lotion that is sloshing on my skin, the carpet, and my decorative pillows.  But it's a good thing.

• Walked 2 miles, 
• Hosted and Conducted Presidency Meeting, 
• Rehearsed Cotton Eyed Joe, 
• Taught Medevil Europe and corresponding folk dances,
• Rehearsed Bridging Ceremony for tomorrow's graduation ceremony, 
• Signed shirts for a mob of 1-3rd graders who mistook me for a rock star, 
• listened intently and individually to over 25 older students as they described their Imaginary Island in painstaking details, down to forms of government and languages, 
• Grocery Shopped, 
• Bandaged several wounds
• Cooked Dinner, 
• Proof read a child's report, 
• Made a birthday gift for a teacher, 
• Watched Hula Hoop tricks, 
• Made garlic and jalapeno burgers and corn on the cob, 
• Laundered 2 Batches clothing , 
• Made 2 loaves Rosemary Artisan Bread, 1 Batch Pretzel Turtles, 1 batch Marshmallow Fudge with Pecans and 1 without, and 24 Cinnamon Rolls...

Really a fairy normal day

BUT,
My nose is starting to run, my eyes are heavy and drippy.  Some children are feeling the antsy entitlement from the end of the year.  They are fussing, slow and pokey, and yelling and rude.  The sweet husband glared and banged through the house and dinner.  And though he said he's not mad at me, I know there is a bit of him that blames the bucket of screws dumped out on the lawn just before he mows on a lack of mother care.  He left... early tonight... 6:00.   Finally Ladybug said she's sick to death of the way I talk to her.  It's too nice and makes her feel like a child and she's a young woman.  Ever obliging, my voice raised, then hers matched.  Mine upped, hers matched.  She earned some quiet think time.  I trudged downstairs to rub lotion on her body and watch her wash her face and tidy her bathroom.  I heard giggles as I started up the stairs.  A tired chide started to form on my lips but I was too late.  My two youngest grabbed each of my hands and sat me down in a seat with 5 pillows puffed for comfort.  Placing one of my feet on each pillow, Little Mother began slipping and sliding her hands over my dirty feet and legs.  With un-age appropriate strength, Sunshine began to knead my shoulders and neck, rubbing my double layers into my skin till the irritation resembled a serious sunburn.  "You've had a tough day and have done it all for us."  They announced.  "You need some relaxation."  They argued over who had the funner job then switched so the other could watch Mom's funny faces, chirps, and jumps.  After a half hour of my spa treatment, they decided I needed a child to squish and hold while the other rubbed knots out of my neck.  When I heard my blonde bespeckled baby start to snore in my arms I insisted for the 4th time that all my pampering had to come to an end.

All are tucked in bed.  The nauseating and allergic smell of cotton blossoms hangs about me.  But it's been a good smell.  Briz will come home sometime in the early hours of the morning.  He may wonder about the greasy stains in the carpet and on the designer pillows where my slippery feet sat, absorbing at least 1 cup of lotion drawings, including a love note in lotion.  I may get another glare, but I chose the stains, the stink and the raw and sore neck I now possess.  They made me happy.

Rain

Pitter Patter Pitter Patter...

Slash!

Boom!

They cluster around the window

Awed at nature

Exclaiming at each new strike

Soon the experience calls and we must go outside to really feel the power and smell the storm.

Weeks of rain

Long grass

Weeds

Flooding

They think nothing of these things.  

Just the crash, the boom, and the sweet smell of rain.

Dad reads Eight Cousins

 

We are safe and warm inside. 

Catalina SIMI 2011

I wish that every child could have the CIMI Marine Biology Camp experience.  I chaperoned my children on their school excursion to Toyon Bay.

We slept in cabins, prepared food, snorkeled 3 times and became part of 1% of the population who have ever snorkeled at night.  Algae and sea mushrooms lit up in fiber optic colors under the sea.  I monitored the edges of the group and soothed and encouraged little first time snorkelers who were terrified but tried to be so brave.

the day, we swam with Leopard Sharks, Bat Rays, Garibaldi, and Shovel Nosed Guitar Fish.  We Dredged the bottom of the ocean to learn about its composition.  We examined the ocean water under the microscope to find hundreds of plankton varieties that resembled alien creatures.

We all dissected squid with great respect for their lives, lost for our learning.

We couldn't help painting ourselves with ink or tasting the nutrient rich eye lens.  We tasted Algae reminiscent of salty carrots, let Sea Hares lick us with their rough tongues, and had Sea Anemone hugs.

The Rays and Sharks rubbed into our touch and almost leaped out of the tanks to get a little more lovin'.

The instructors were amazing young women who had the knack for silliness and serious information that would teach children the best.  Sadly, Ladybug threw up for 24 hours and missed a whole day of learning and fun but Lauren, an amazing instructor took us in for a private tour of the touch tanks and octopus lairs.

Watching children discover, learn, and grow has got to be one of the most satisfying experiences ever.  Each child went home feeling a little taller, a little more independent, and a little happier having faced their fears and overcome them.

 

The last night of our trip, we gathered round the campfire to relive our favorite memories.  Tears were shed, gratitude was shared, and no one wanted to go home.  

I learned A TON about oceanography,but I learned a lot about my two older ones watching them with their peers.  And while some of it was disturbing, I see it as a little God Breeze to let me know, "Hey! you might want to help one of these little ones out with this.  Time for a little tweaking!" 

And that is what I'll do now.

Brain Therapy

 Saturdays are tough.  We have jobs to do and its NOT fun.  Ladybug is on the final days to behaviorally earn her trip to Catalina island.  I knew at the last minute she will try to sabotage herself by thinking she doesn't deserve to go.  Sure enough.  Morning was tough... really tough.  She earned an additional 4 jobs from her dad and I couldn't settle her down.  We sat meditated with calming oils, spa music, and prayer.  Finally she was ready to tackle the day.  I want her to succeed.  I need to help her get out of that dark place she is in.  She worked for an hour, and the other two had worked for several when I called, "Break Time!"  We met on the front porch.

"On Guard!"  I threw cans of pink, purple, and green silly string and I started to spray them yellow.  "Hit me with your best Shot!"  I sang as I ran and darted behind a tree.  Five minutes later, the freshly cut lawn, Briz's back, and Sunshine's hair was covered with our festivities.  With laughter, we all went back to our chores.  Bug is back in the front of her brain where thinking, reasoning, and laughter occur.  She's going to make it! 

Tangled Party

Friday Sunshine had a Tangled Un-Birthday Party.  Yes, this mom promised a birthday party 6 months ago, but got sick, and uh well yeah... we just got to it.  

Banners flew for the Festival of the Lanterns

We had to roll a huge dice and follow the path to get to the Festival.  

On the way, we stopped and had a bite... pizza, lemon creme filled strawberries, cream cheese brownies, and cookies.

 When we arrived, we learned a ribbon dance.

Then we each made a wish and let our own "lanterns go up into the sky."

The witch caught us and we couldn't see to get our way back home.  We were blindfolded with our hair and had to find our way.

Then all princess left with goody bags and place mats.  

Small investment, brought a lot of joy to Sunshine.