Thoughtfullness

Face dark against the pillow, he has fallen asleep while reading. He's been a long while down. I trot downstairs to grab an ice cold drink. I return and quietly start to help him out of his uncomfortable jeans and shirt. When finished, I hold his head for a small drink. He grunted and nestled back down to sleep. What have I accomplished?

Several days ago, I graduated to the next principle in the Love Dare, Thoughtfulness. What is thoughtfulness? How does it differ from kindness and selflessness and how is it the same? I have pondered this for a few days. Thought full. Full of thoughts about another. Yes, when courting, we think of each other all the time... every waking minute in fact. As newlyweds, we'd call sometimes 10 plus times a day, just because we were thinking of the other and wanted to say hi. I admit, 18 years down the road, a full day can pass without a single thought of my spouse. My brain is full of responsibilities, children, tasks, and yes . . . myself. When he walks in at night, "Oh Hi!" Then back to my busy mind.

When someone gives a "thoughtful gift" we mean that they put a lot of thought into what the other needs. So, I guess we start by just thinking of the other more, purposfully calling them to mind.

What would he like, what would make him happy? I am out of practice. It feels rusty. Oh! I used to make him cookies all the time, and save him a chunk of dough to eat. But it is not healthy and if I cook I want to engage in creative expression and make something new. "But this is not about you." my inner voice replies. "It is about him." Oh.

Maybe I will call during the day. Just to say hello. "Hello! How's my sweetheart? I'm worried about you and want to make sure you are doing okay. You've put in a long day for someone just out of surgery. What can I do for you today? Cookies? Oh. What kind? The usual- with blended oatmeal? Oh." The conversation stalls. "Love you! Bye."

Today, we rubbed against each other and chaffed at the contact. He said hurtful things. Too sensitive, I took offense. The day is almost over. I remember the Love Dare. That is how I find him upstairs . . . asleep. Now I ask myself again. What was gained by all this?
He acceped each action as his due. No special appreciation was offered. He didn't even drink all my water.

The answer comes quickly. I gained love. Each time I focused my thoughts on him, my heart softened. Every movement made in his behalf warmed me to him and his needs. My thoughts created love. My cookies created love. My water created love, and my assistance created love - not in him - in me.

Though creaky and rusty, my thoughts can again be trained to return to my someone special, and I will be blessed for it.

Romance in Central Park

Biking through Central Park I thought through the hundreds of romantic scenes I had watched played out on its grounds, particularly at the angel fountain, most recently seen in Enchanted.
All romances stop at the kiss, the engagement, or the wedding. Few movies or books take us beyond these pivotal , tear jerking, orchestra swelling, song-worthy moments. I saw a few couples taking advantage of the flowers to sneak in a kiss or more. But they were all young, unmarried. Does love continue to exist? I'm still working on the Love Dare, so it is on my mind. Here is what I am thinking about.

A girl, a boy, attracted... seek to attract. For a brief period of time they are share, forgive, serve, offer continual acts of kindness. A more perfect version of themselves reflects back at them from the other's eyes. Each expects that same kindness, that same consideration for the rest of their lives. Stirring. String playing. Screen filling.

Now roommates, co-bill payers, parents, with late nights, piles of dishes, unmade beds, commitments, needs, endless jobs, endless worry . . . Kindness? Consideration?


Each is consumed. Eaten alive with demands from others. Exhausted, disappointed with self for accomplishments, daily and life. They must DEMAND their share. They must wrest their fairness out of life because who is going to look after number one? When so much is given/taken, if you give the final bit, what does it leave you with? Wouldn't you be gone? Vanished?

My Love Dare journey goes slowly as I seek to incorperate each principle. Principle #3. "Love is not selfish." Well I've certainly got that down. What do I do all day for myself? My life is for others. I read on.

"When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband (and kids), that's a sign of selfishness." And, "Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive."

Love seeketh not her own. (1 cor. 13:5) Does that scripture really mean that I should not look after myself? Think about what is best for me when so much is already given?

I have been pondering this question for days. Studying, reading, seeking and praying for an answer. I must admit now, I am a selfish human being. Second, I am afraid to do anything about it. What will happen? Will I end up a drudge or a slave?

I can't find a model. No true heroine would be such a pushover in the movies. Strong intelligent women are really in right now. Their men and kids know they need to toe the line have the priveledge of being with these amazing women. In chit chat, we girl friends are constantly telling each other, "You do not need to put up with that!" We women have been slaves long enough. NO MORE we say! How can I prioritize the well being of my mate without losing my authenticity?

I turn to the example of Jesus Christ. Goodness. He really didn't seek his own did he. I mean really! Who wants torture, ridicule, and death? I'm not lining up. I guess he sought for others, in all things unto death. He held nothing back. Nothing. But he was completely and entirely himself. He never bent his thoughts, standards, or actions to suit others, yet all he did was for others long term best interest.

Darn it! It is much more complicated than I would like. Luckily I have a life to practice. But . . . will I be happy? Can I trust that less selfishness will bring a happier existence? Jesus Christ's philosophy is that we will find our life when we lose it. When I become invisible, my needs, my rights.... I will find what I'm truly after.

Well my life has been based on trust in his teachings. Thus far he has not let me down. I am finally ready to move forward with the challenge of Day 3, adding selflessness to patience and kindness. I think I am ready to graduate... from "movie love" to something better, from a movie heroine to someone better. Nineteen years later I'm ready to pull the cord and J U M P. Is that worthy of a shot in Central Park?

The Dream

I woke up panicked and felt with my toes for the warm steady figure of my husband. Nothing was there. Though disoriented from such a quick wake up, I padded down the stairs. No cartoon watchers. I looked outside. No early morning yard workers. I padded down to the basement and found my sweetheart giving Ladybug her morning snuggle. I motioned for him to come with me and led him by the hand back up for my morning snuggle.

"What was it honey? Was it a dream? Tell me about it."

"Well, I forgot. We forgot. We forgot that we were married. We got lost in the room-mate living of comfortable friends and moved on. At the last minute I found a vague memory that we were must have been married to have had these little girls and we must have loved one another very much. I went to revive that memory with you, but you had already moved on."

The panic of that dream provided the determination to truly put into action "The Love Dare" by Kendrick (as seen on the amazing movie Fireproof). I will not allow our relationship to get lost in the discipline, the yard work, the church service, and the hundreds of other tasks of making a living.

I cannot fully implement each quality, each habit in a day, so I will do one a week. I will read each chapter every morning for a week before moving on. Today's habit is "Love is patient."

Here is my favorite quote for this week's challenge, "Patience understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it."